Interpretations of the English language, trips to Uni & Noluur updates

Last week was fun. I was back at my old College, now part of Heriot Watt University, giving a talk to some of the current students. To be confronted with so much promise and risk side by side in one room is a bit daunting. I felt I should not sound like a pompous, condescending, old buffer, but duty-bound to impart at least one pearl of wisdom for these ‘bright young things’ to reflect on and carry through their working lives. It was a noble thought…

Pompous, Condescending, Old Buffer: - 8    Pearls of Wisdom: - 0.

A constant source of enjoyment during my wanderings has been the mistranslations to English on menus and notices, such as the appetising  ‘Bacterial Soup’ on sale in Beijing (which I fervently hope is a mistranslation), and ‘Hungry? Come In and Get Fed up’, down a side street in Budapest. But beyond simple mangling of the language is what I call ‘Quantum English’.

In Quantum English E=mc2. English = mad conversations, twice. The rules that normally govern the language count for nothing. Words which may make sense at first glance disintegrate into the bizarre and then on to madness. Such was the case in Inner Mongolia recently, concerning the mysterious case of the two Cypriots and the magistrate living in my hotel wardrobe. 

In the picture below, taken mainly for the sceptics among you who may doubt my grasp on reality, you will see at the top of the shoogly photograph, under ‘Bye Laws Instructions, Paragraph 4, subsections 1, 2, and 3’ that, in the event of fire, you will open the lid (of the box in the wardrobe), remove the vacuum bag and wrapping paper (around the smoke hood), before and after the two Cypriots.

At this point it did cross my mind to call reception, but it had been a struggle simply to get a clean towel earlier, so a conversation about removing illegal immigrants from a box in my wardrobe might have been beyond our collective communication skills. Why were two Cypriots in my wardrobe waiting for a fire? Was my wardrobe classed as budget accommodation for Mediterranean tourists? As the senior paying guest, did I have exclusive use of the smoke mask? I didn’t even try to figure out how we could open the bag before and after the Cypriots…

If this wasn’t alarming enough, under the section on ‘Action’ Paragraph 4, it said that, if there were no means of escape left open then, ‘The judge should immediately go to the roof or the back rooms’.

It has been a busy week, mulling over the new summer ranges and accessories. We hope you like them when they go on-line in a few weeks. Fine and breezy cottons to wear with lightweight cashmere.

Also, I have been in touch with some old friends, which is always a fine thing to do. They have been friends and business acquaintances for years. The brothers, sisters, sons, daughters, nephews, nieces, cousins, out-laws and in-laws form a substantial tribe. Family picnics look like a Dr Barnardo’s day out. They have been in the textile business for five generations, and have a great menswear clothing website at http://www.jackrussellclothing.com/ .Like their mascot, they are quite barking, in the nicest possible way.

There is some quite outstanding clothing for women coming around this spring/summer from designers such as Jason Wu, Alberta Ferreti and labels like Jaeger. Some of the beautiful flowing, practical, trousers and tops, in cotton and silk, are as good for real people, with real figures, as I have seen around for some time. I trust that the shapes will make it to the general High Street without too much alteration. 

Bye for now

Ray